Written in 2012 – still relevant.

Family is sometimes the place where you don’t belong. It is sometimes the worst group of people to be near. It is sometimes the farthest place from your heart. Sometimes though, it is just a place where you used to be.

The souls that make up your family are those roots that bind you to your past, and prepare you for your future. Reflected in their eyes are the strictest judges and most hated jurors. A place where guilt and conscience can not escape. The park benches of their counsel are places from which you must take something good away.

The long walks, into your own failings, regular tortures which you subscribe to. The heavy word, the careless grunt releases torrents of acrid lecture which must surely infiltrate you’re very being.

A few years ago, I was sitting at my desk, a cup of warm coffee filling the air with pungent medicine smells, when I realised that through all the years of my life, I have never given anything of value to my family. In that same vague feeling of mind, I also realised that I had never done anything or been of any use to any person that had ever fallen into my life. Such are twilight thoughts. As these neurones kept the early morning express in my head going, I realised that for most of my life I had been waiting for that one big thing to happen. That one flash of brilliance, that one blinding light, that one moment of clarity, to make it all see somehow less grey. I realised that my life had for so many years been stumbling through the generalities of life without stopping to work on the details.

The coffee was getting cold by this time so I threw these thoughts away into myself and turned to getting some sleep. Stranger things have happened in the world, but as I woke next evening I realised that I may have missed my big thing. What if I had simply walked by that one big thing that could have made all the difference. What if I hadn’t heard a piece of advice. What if I hadn’t taken a wrong turning that could have lead to the right ending? There may have been the greatest revelation in history that was now lost forever – because I was ill that day. Such are the thoughts of dusk. Would it not be the depth of irony if that one moment of brilliance in an otherwise dull and insignificant life was to be missed because I missed the train? What a cosmic joke that would turn out to be. Even funnier than the funniest thing done by a very funny person remotely connected to the Monty Python team.

Universal japes aside, in all seriousness there must be a moment that I am waiting for. There must. I mean – all this life to bum around in and so far nothing worthy of more that a scribble on the margins of eternity has happened. Mind you the margin of an eternity can be a sort of large place. I’m having to use large script – the type you get on billboards – in Oxford Circus or Times Square. Without stepping sideways into the realms of literary and visual cliché’s – let me ask : Have you ever looked at the sky on a clear night? Have you ever seen the stars wink at you – and some occasions make lude and suggestive comments?. Well I have. ( Some of the suggestions were very interesting but the prospect of practical Cosmological Karma Sutra pains me – yes that’s the word ) All those bright twinkling children of the universe. Bright points from both the future and the past all make me wonder why? Not the usual ‘Why am I here?’ or the lesser known ‘Why are my white shirts now pink?’ or even the rather hurried ‘Why is that glass describing a graceful arc towards my face?’. No. I mean the original one.

WHY?

Nothing else. Just that. Pure, complex, strange, beautiful. Just the thought generated by that simple concept is so pure that it sometimes hurts to perceive it. And no – the answer (against all evidence provided my smart Alec philosophers who haven’t got a brain cell between their egos) is not Why Not?

I think it’s one of those eternal questions. Where the answer forms part of the question and the question forms part of the answer. Very odd. Very beautiful. Very human. And isn’t that just the thing though?

That’s humanity for you isn’t it? All inside out and upside down?


With shadow wings of fear woven,
Darkness as light that fools us all.
Beneath the dreams of fire now forgotten,
Ancient foes are new arisen.
Listen at your soul for the dread knock of recognition,
Lost brothers from time before understanding,
Our fathers foes of whispers past,
Come bid us blood for the coming war.

Listen to the last of words of power,
Like angels breath vanish relinquished.
Shall now man now unbidden,
Rise in error against all of light.
Watch now for the anger rising,
Reeling terror of your own imagination,
How dark is the touch of your soul,
What price your mercy now?


Written back in December 2012 but still as relevant as ever. I wonder if I’ve actually grown over time or just stayed the same…

Why is it that people find it hard to say ‘I’m falling for you’? Is it so hard to admit to someone that they rock your world? Is it not natural to let the person that effects you so much know that they do? I wonder if it is because we are all scared of being rejected or whether it is that we do not wish anyone else to have power over us in that way?

Once a heart is opened to another human that other human has complete control. The heart – no matter what people say – controls you. Scientist or Poet the heart will lead you through life and emotion will drive every move you make. It is the beauty and poetry of emotion that creates the human race and sustains it through all it’s attempts at destroying itself. It is that harmony of spirit that comes form affection that delivers us from the worst evils we may inflict on each other.

A parent will tell you that there is no greater light in their life than the smile of their children. They will tell you that no greater force exists in Universe that their love of their offspring. What then is the light and force for those of us who have no children? Surely it is the smile and touch of the one you fell for? Is it not their words and embraces which bring a smile to your lips and does not their treachery and anger form tears of your hopes?

There is a moment when you realize that the person you are looking at is making your heart beat faster and for some reason your mouth is dry as a desert. You feel confused when you try and talk to them. It’s hard to look at their eyes, you feel feeble and without direction when they smile at you. Your world grows a shade darker when they turn away. It’s the worst feeling in the world. It tells you that you are on the brink of either glorious light or the deepest black.

I love the human race. It’s the most complex, beautiful, evil, corrupt, brilliant ‘thing’ I have ever come across. A small frail light in the cold dark on the Universe which watches through eyes unseen.


I wrote this way back in December 2012 – still relevant.

Isn’t it funny how music tastes change? When I was much younger I was a bad-ass raver. Happy Hardcore – Funk – Speed Garage – the works. These days though I seem to be listening to classics all the time. I don’t think I’m getting any wiser but it just feels like my brain clock has slowed down from the insane whine of 300000 bpm to a purring 10 bpm in a year.

I don’t think I can explain it really. Still as active as I ever was and still as keen to learn and do new things – but – just that my ears want something soothing now. Maybe it’s because I have such a fast life style now that I need something to slow me down and let me enjoy the view.

Funny thing is that almost at the same time that I started listening to classical music I started to really think about death. I’ve had two of my close family dir within the last couple of years so maybe that’s it. I’m not sure that I’m afraid of dying. I accept that my time in this reality must come to an end and the universe must re-absorb all that I have learned. But I feel disappointed that I won’t be able to continue to learn and experience forever.

I’m not hooked up to any Gods so I don’t really know what awaits. I can accept that if a man is bad a God may punish. I can accept that if a man is evil a God may destroy him. But what I can’t accept is that a God would torture a man for eternity for anything. I’m not really sure if any God’s are around any more.

I know there are two root forces in this reality. Creation and Destruction. I see no intrinsic ‘Good’ in Creation nor do I see any intrinsic ‘Evil’ in Destruction. Hitler was created and yet he turned to be a force for great destruction and generated a great deal of the human concept ‘Evil’. I don’t think Creation nor Destruction are sentient enough to be call God’s. I believe the struggle for a human soul maybe the struggle between these two root forces to attain a state of sentient thought.

Neither has a concept of each other. They proceed in their paths as their nature dictates but as yet I doubt that they have gained any appreciation of what it is they do not how they affect us. This may answer the question of why a God would allow bad things to happen. It may be that the force we attribute as God has no concept of its actions.

If we instead take the two forces as being the same force we may assume that the force is the universe. We may assume that the Universe that we exist in is the physical manifestation of the entity. Therefore both creation and destruction would stem from that one entity. Thus GOD and SATAN would be the same entity. We may then assume that this physical reality was bought into existence due the entities struggle to define these two facets of itself. In this case we must also assume that there are other facets.

Indeed we may assume that the act of CREATION and the act of DESTRUCTION are the two extreme endpoints and that all other facets from the entity are the gray between. The existence of the gray facets may indicate that there really are an infinite number of universe where these facets are created, develop, learn, contribute back to the entity and then are destroyed. We may assume that these facets are in face finite in their existence and as such once their existence no longer becomes necessary for the entity they are destroyed. However I wonder if the universes these facets produce are destroyed. I wonder if these abandoned Universes interact with each other and even ours. Perhaps indeed our Universe is one that was abandoned.

Lets us for the moment….

An living embryo develops over time. As an organism develops it’s intrinsic energy level rises. It’s body mass increases and thus the amount ethereal energy produced increases over time. At a critical threshold sentience sparks. The organism cannot yet be said to be a sentient being but the beginnings are there. The brain increases in size. Certain patterns of pathway construction are inherited from the parent organism but the rest of the pathway construction happens during early stages of development.

Let us now consider….

The ethereal plane exists and is composed of pure energy in an n-dimensional existence. It intersects the physical plane in all four dimensions XYZ and TIME. The ethereal ebbs and flows. Each ebb and flow creates more ebbs and flows and so on. Such is the concentration of ebb and flow and peaks and troughs that new energy is being released into the physical realm all the time. The energy flows into the physical when its potential is too great to be defined by the ethereal plane. At the same time energy in the physical realm which slows too much and looses much of it’s potential flows back into the ethereal causing yet further ebb and flow. In this way we may say that energy is exchanged between the two planes of existence. We may then say that a though is the release of such energy in a raw form. This energy hits our brains and as such the brain feeds off it. This energy flows through our brains causing what we see as low electrical current within our brains and the rest of our bodies. This energy causes our neural pathways to function and thus interact on a continuous basis with each other. This interactions caused coherent and stables energy patterns to be defined – though. Mystics claim that for some time after death the energy field around a body flares to ten times it’s normal size for a period of days and then suddenly disappears. It could be then that this flaring is the release of all the stored energy back to the ethereal plane. In olden times bodies were allowed to stand before being buried. Egyptian pharos were placed in gold and allowed to ascend back to the heavens in their pyramids. We still lie the dead ‘in state’ for viewing – but I believe this has it’s roots in the dead body releasing it’s energy back into the ethereal. This energy which binds us. Once gone the physical matter looses coherence. Decays.

hmm…


wild dreams and quiet nights,
these are lives little lies;
where hearts and minds once sung and danced,
tears of repentance dare not fall.

of all the leaves to wither and fall,
a soul is the last to die,
for here in a trench of blood and pain,
the truth is rarely found.


Silent touch that sparks my ardor,
Softly now whisper the thoughts of your dreams.
Listen to the rhythm of my paramour,
Feel all that awakens within for you.

From deepest night your presence arrives,
As golden lances of dawns first touch.
To those farthest reaches of my being,
Light and harmony to dispell the dread.

Here – in this moment of now,
Beneath all that is yet to be known,
Your eyes of gentlest blue,
A dream of summer in human hues.

In these moments ever passing,
On wings of restless searching dreams,
Ever the beacon for all that is fleeting,
I stand to feel the presence of your passing.

Over mountains of fire,
Across the rivers ethereal,
Weary and strained I stand,
Here – to surrender my soul.